Monday, June 23, 2014

Monday Morning Thoughts (fuck me edition)

Wow, what a fucking awful result for the USA. Watching them outplay Portugal for 94 minutes and 55 seconds and then snatch what amounts to a loss from the hands of victory was crushing. Jimbo, Viv, J-Bone and I were in a bar and you could literally see the air leave the place when we conceded that goal. What is going to follow is something we're all too accustomed to. Germany will beat the US, and we'll end up missing the knockout round.

Aside from that, the weekend was pretty neat. Oh, wait, no it wasn't. I spent a good amount of time with the insufferable Tommy Jarvis. We had some drinks, started a nice fire outside. Directly after the fire was going, he stood up and shined a flashlight on it. God, he's the worst. Thanks for ruining the mood.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!

Merry World Cup day everyone! WHEEEEE!

Every four years we all get to band together and watch a fuckload of soccer (futbol? footbawls?). Sadly, the US is headed for an early exit, as they're currently residing in the Group of Anal Death. Whatever. We've never been an actual force in soccer and I've accepted that fact a long time ago. I still love to root for them, but I'm a realist. Bilbo on the other hand doesn't really even acknowledge the US when the WC rolls around. He's all, "3 Lions or GTFO!".  Jimbo is easily the biggest US fan. It's cute.

/unfurls Brazil pennant and waves it

I'll be pulling for Brazil to exorcise some demons this cup and storm to the championship match. I believe Bilbo's pick is Spain, which is a nice pick. At least he didn't pick Germany. They'll be in it, but no fucking way they make it to the championship.

Bilbo and I actually agreed that Argentina has the easiest route to the knockout rounds, and they fucking do. Look at their schedule. It's ridiculous. Argentina is actually my second favorite team behind the US. I fucking love Messi.

Anyway, should you be around your TVs today, I suggest you tune in for one of the greatest sporting events in all the land.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Monday Morning Thoughts

Well, what a fuck of a day. Go away, Monday. I'm fucking tired, I had horrible nightmares last night and I'm just not ready for the "Dodgson-ing" you've got on-tap.

We had a shitload of sports this weekend, which was nice. I mean, none of it was football, but beggars can't be choosers. I lost $100 on Belmont this weekend. The sad part is, I had Tonalist winning in two of my trifectas. I had $10 on each one, so, I'd have won like a billion dollars. I'm officially gonna start gambling a lot more. Anyway, the hoofer that everyone wanted to win didn't and Wilford Brimley lost his shit and bitched about how it's fixed because fresh hoofers run the Belmont to upset the tired hoofer that won the previous two legs of the Triple Crown. Uh, yeah, that's nothing new. It's supposed to be super fucking hard to win. Secretariat won the Belmont by five seconds more than Tonalist, so, grow up. Your shitty horse just wasn't that special.

The Heat won and basically put the finals to bed with it. The Spurs will be absolutely run out of the gym in Miami. I'm betting they lose by twenty and Lebron gives a twenty minute post game rant about how wonderful he is. Die, fag.

The World Cup finally kicks off this week and the USA is primed for their early exit. See ya, Clint. Goooooo Brazil!

Game of Thrones was alright. It felt more like a sixty minute version of The Lord of the Rings. I just don't give a shit about the storyline they focused on last night. Go the fuck back to King's Landing and lets see what the aftermath of the trial by combat is. DON'T KILL THE IMP!

Monday Morning Thoughts

Oh hey Alex Morgan. How are you this fine morning?



Anything else you want to add?



/faints

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Wacky Confession Wednesday

For the last few months, I've been working very closely with poor inner-city youth. It's kinda like an outreach program, but I'm teaching them shit that they'll actually use. Like how to shoot a gun, how to identify undercover police officers, and how successfully pimp. I'm really proud of all the little tikes. They've really taken to the lessons like a bunch of gun toting, gang-banging ducks to water. Unfortunately, it was recently discovered by some higher ups that I was teaching these lessons instead of the actual ones described on their website. Hey, last time I checked, Leroy isn't gonna need to fucking know how to balance his checkbook. He's gonna need to know how quickly draw the pistol in his waistband and fire it at some homies that are trying to muscle in on his pimp turf. -Gap